By Joseph FritzMcBobe, Bokwango Bureau.
In the world of satire, few books are as cutting—yet uncannily accurate—as The I Hate the French Official Handbook. Though British in humor, its chapters read like a coded manual for understanding post-colonial Cameroon, where French hypocrisy, theatrical diplomacy, and fragile pride shape the DNA of governance. But where the satire ends, Ambazonia’s suffering begins.
What this parody exposes—perhaps unintentionally—is that Paul Biya is not an original, but a manufactured clone from the French colonial lab: handpicked for loyalty, trained for elegance, and programmed for denial. His manifesto Communal Liberalism, or as some have rightly called it, Biya’s Mein Kampf, was supposed to erase Ambazonia by dictating unity through uniformity. But like cheap perfume over corpses, it now reeks of failure.
Loyalty Over Intelligence: A French Franchise of Folly
In Biya’s Cameroon, positions are not earned—they are staged. Ministers, generals, governors, and even clergy are appointed not for merit, but for their willingness to say “Oui, Monsieur” and suppress uncomfortable truths. This is a nation where faith in France trumps fidelity to freedom.
And yet, what once seemed like strategic brilliance—governing through decorative puppets—has now imploded. Even La République’s own intelligentsia can no longer mask the rot. The elite can’t sell a dream when the roof is on fire. Universities are militarized. Thinkers are silent. The last bastion of state stability—fear itself—is wearing thin.
Dr. Sako’s Truth Bomb:
The Empire Has No Clothes
Enter President Dr. Samuel Ikome Sako, whose most recent official address shattered illusions not just for Ambazonians but for all who still believed Biya’s regime had any legitimacy left. In blunt and unambiguous terms, Dr. Sako reminded the world:
“We are not fighting to join or fix La République. We are resisting extinction. What Biya calls peace is a mask for occupation. What he calls dialogue is a rope in our neck.”
This statement wasn’t mere defiance—it was diplomatic surgery on the myth of “national unity.” It called out the French-crafted architecture of deceit that has kept the colonial wound festering.
The Ambazonian Divide: Intelligence vs. Imitation
Yet even among Ambazonians, not all are immune to the French disease. Some so-called “leaders” mimic Biya’s obsession with loyalty over vision. They form factions named after nothing—slogans like ADF, Unity Warriors, APNC, or whatever acronym is trending this week. But when you scratch beneath the surface, you don’t find strategy—you find performers trapped in Parisian fantasies, seeking approval from colonial tables instead of the Ambazonian trenches.
This is Biya’s real poison: divide and pose. And too many Ambazonian actors, knowingly or not, drink from that same poisoned chalice.
When Satire Turns Prophetic
The French satire book was meant to provoke laughter, but if you swap “French” for “Francophone Cameroon,” the jokes read like policy documents:
“The French love form over function.” Biya’s national dialogues are choreographed shows—carefully worded communiqués with no intention of implementation.
“They are obsessed with appearances.” From tiled airports to bloated ceremonies in Yaoundé, the regime glitters while schools burn in Batibo and hospitals vanish in Buea.
“They wage wars with grand talk but no staying power.” The Biya regime unleashes terror on Ambazonian civilians, only to beg for Swiss mediators behind closed doors.
“They appoint blackface to rule in their name.” Every Anglophone in Biya’s cabinet is a rehearsed shadow of French instruction—decorative, expendable, and denied substance.
The satire becomes prophecy because it doesn’t exaggerate—it reveals. And what it reveals is that Biya’s regime is not merely tyrannical. It is tragically predictable.
The Verdict:
Biya’s Mein Kampf Has Failed
Let’s be clear. Biya’s plan is dead.
It failed to assimilate Ambazonia.
It failed to build loyalty among his own thinkers.
It failed to convince the world that genocide is a form of governance.
It even failed to train successors who could fake intelligence while being loyal.
La République is not dying because of Ambazonian resistance alone—it is imploding under the weight of its own contradictions.
What Now?
Ambazonians must resist French mimicry in all forms, even within the struggle. Loyalty to the cause must be earned, not declared. Our leaders must be chosen for courage, competence, and clarity, not for cosmetic unity or media likes.
To those in the international community still clinging to Biya’s vision of “decentralization,” Ambazonians ask:
Would you decentralize Auschwitz?
Would you reform apartheid?
Would you negotiate genocide?
If not, why ask Ambazonians to negotiate theirs?
Final Word
France gave Ambazonians a bad script. Biya read it.
Some Ambazonians tried to copy it.
Now an overwhelming majority of Ambazonians tear it up—line by line.
Joseph FritzMcBobe
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